Nothing

Well, there is nothing to update or report on the adoption front :(  There seems to be an occasional lead or someone knows someone who his considering adoption.....  Carson said the other day, "Mom, we REALLY need a little sister!"  The sweetest, most tender side of my boys surfaces whenever I am watching one of my friend's little girls.  They are so excited about finding a sister.  I hope they don't lose faith and that their prayers continue.  Meanwhile, there is always something exciting happening in our lives so I update our family blog.  Someday there might be great news to post here.  Until then we wait, hope, and pray.

SOMETIMES......

I just read a beautiful poem in the April Ensign about adoption.  Earlier this morning, I was talking to one of my girlfriends about the adoption process and about how long I was willing to wait.  

Sometimes I feel like this journey was simply a learning experience for our family. 

Sometimes I think our reward may never be another child, but the lessons learned along the journey.  Sometimes, I feel strong impressions that we are missing someone.  

Sometimes, I have faith and hope.  

Sometimes, I have none.  

Sometimes, I wonder why? 

Sometimes, I wonder when? 

Sometimes, I wonder what if?  

Sometime, I will understand.

And then I read this tonight and thought, "Don't give up yet, it may take longer than you think for her to find us.  She may still be traveling 'over hills and through valleys' to find us."    

JUST THE SAME

by Diana Lynn Lacey

Sometimes--

God sends rain

Straight from the sky

To nourish the young flower

and it grows.

Sometimes--

God sends rain from the sky

To the mountaintops,

Then over hills and through valleys

Until it reaches the flower

and it grows just the same.

Sometimes--

God sends a child

Straight from His realm

Into a mother's arms 

and love grows.

Sometimes---

God sends a child

From heaven to another's arms

Then over hills and through valleys

Until he reaches the arms of his mother

and love grows, just the same.

Almost got picked...

Well two weeks ago, we ALMOST got selected by a Birth Mom.  We were in the top 3 favorite families spot, but didn't make the final cut.  We didn't actually meet or even talk to the BM so we weren't too emotionally invested or hopeful about the opportunity.   However, I must admit that when our caseworker contacted us my mind started to wonder and dream and get anxious about whether or not this could be the ONE we were led down this path to find.  The adoption process is such a crazy journey to participate in.  Some days I wonder why we started it, but I KNOW it was the path we were supposed to take.

The Wicked Queen (me) who is trying to be less "wicked" and more righteous, patient, and believing

Me as the Wicked Queen for Halloween this year.

     I went to a RS meeting last night on improving our scripture study and I determined I kind of suck at it.  Yes, I read the Ensign.  Yes, I read the sciptures almost daily, but I don’t really LOVE them or HUNGER and THIRST after them.  It’s more like a guilt driven relationship.  I know I’m supposed to read them, so I do.  Anyway, the instructors were inspiring and I decided to make a change.  I make time to exercise at least 5 to 6 days a week for at least an hour.  I make time to make my bed and get ready and pick up my house.  I make time to check my E-mail and browse my facebook account.  I make time for my friends, family, Jolley Smiles, and social events.  I make time for my church calling.  But I don’t valiantly strive to MAKE TIME for great scripture study. 

I started with a repentant, humble heart and knelt in prayer so I could understand the scriptures better and to have a desire to do better.  Also, I was teary eyed (okay I was totally crying) with my plea to understand why I had all those powerful promptings and felt such urgency to get approved for adoption.  (read the earlier post about why I think it was an urgent call to action)  Anyway, I made myself so vulnerable and the doubts and fears have been settling in a lot lately.  If it doesn’t happen, does that mean I imagined everything?  If it doesn’t happen soonish, then my boys will be heart broken.  Will they lose faith?  They pray to find and prepare themselves for their baby sister at least 4-5 times a day-- Morning prayer.  Evening Prayer.  Every Meal.    They love to play with my friend’s baby girls.  A sweet, soft, protective side comes out in all of them as they try to make them giggle.  It melts my heart.  Where is she?  When will she join our family?

I am a planner.  I like to have control over my life.  I want to prepare.  But I have NO CONTROL over this process.   I also fear that as my entire family is big enough to hit the slopes this year that I won’t want to start all over again.  What if I lose my desire to search for her?  See, even with that statement it shows I am losing faith.  So I had one of those open the scriptures randomly kind of moments after my prayer ended.  Remember I am sobbing at this point, but I am trying to dab away my tears to salvage my recently applied mascara and powder. 

I opened to this:  Revelations 20:4  “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall their be any more pain……”  A few verses later this hit me “But the fearful, and unbelieving (oh yeah, that’s me right now as far as the doubts about the adoption ever happening) shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone.”  Okay, so I am a believer again.  I am scared of fire—even lighting candles on a cake. 

I then played the open the scripture game again.  I flipped through several pages until I happened upon D&C 6:14-19.  It starts, “Blessed art though for what thou has done; for thou hast inquired of me, and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my Spirit.  If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou are at this time.  (All the verses are great—too much to type so break out those scriptures).  They all touched me because I had been “enlightened by the Spirit of truth” early in the process but my carnal side is whispering that I am crazy and I imagined it all. Vs. 19  “Be patient; be sober; be temperate; have patience, faith hope and charity.”  Was that just me or did PATIENCE really stick out in that verse.  Unfortunately, I didn’t get an answer about the day we would find our birth mom or our daughter, but I have more faith and feel renewed hope that I have done my part.  It has been hard because I felt SO guided and SO compelled during the few weeks that we made the adoption decision and then I didn’t feel guided or prompted to do anything else.  Should I make more attempts on getting our adoption message out there?  Should I do a profile on another website?  I don’t feel guided to do anything more than I have done so far at this time.   So I HOPE that are birth mom will be led to find us and I will try to be PATIENT until she does.   And perhaps my scripture study habits will be better by that time J

Thoughts on Open Adoption

A caseworker (my friend's sister-in-law) recommended I read The Spirit of Open Adoption by James L. Gritter.  I am only partially through the book, but it has been very helpful as we are prepare ourselves for whatever type of adoption comes our way.  I must admit, early on in the adoption process I was uniformed and a little nervous about open adoption.  However, the books and blogs I have read about this option have been enlightening.  I have also had conversations with birth moms and adoptive couples who have experienced both closed and open adoptions and have shared their experiences with us.  It is important for the adopted child to know how much love and sacrifice the birth parents had for him or her.  It is also healing for the birth parents to know that their child is loved, safe, and happy.   For these reasons and many more we are very open to sharing our lives with the birth parents if they would like an open relationship.  I will share more thoughts on the topic when I finish reading the book.

I also have a few random thoughts about how hard the adoption process is for someone like me who likes to plan and prepare for the future.  Each day we pray and wonder about the birth mom and child.  Who are they?  Where are they from?  Has she made a decision to place her child for adoption?  Is she scared?  Does she feel peace?  Are we the family she is looking for? Then there are the silly thoughts like:  Should I buy a season ski pass this winter or will I be snuggling with a new baby in the lodge instead?  Should I start my personal training this month so I can be strong and tone in case I have to take some time off because I will be too tired to get up early and work out with my friends when we get a new baby?  Will I have four months to prepare and paint a nursery and reupholster the glider or will I have only a week or two to prepare?  

All in all, I still feel a sense of calm knowing that God's hand is in this process and things will fall into place when and how they are supposed to.  Each day I prepare myself and our family a little more for what we all hope the future will bring. 

Adoption Urgency

We are so grateful for the intense promptings we received last February. The experiences we had urging us to get certified to adopt through LDS services (ASAP) were unsolicited, but undeniable. I have written down all the experiences, but don't want to blog about them--yet. We always thought we would adopt someday, but that someday was not something we were considering this year or actually any time soon. I checked into LDSFS and Foster Care as well as a few other agencies and felt strongly drawn to LDSFS. That is why the experiences were even sweeter because I for one rarely receive such strong inspiration when I am not actively pondering and praying about things. Once our application was completed and everything except our interviews were done, we felt completely peaceful about the process.

Well, six months later the urgency to begin our process is starting to make sense. As of August 1st, LDSFS changed the guidelines again for adoption. Since we have three sons already, we would not have qualified to adopt through LDSFS with the new rule. (the new rule does not allow applicants with more than two children to apply) However, since we are already approved and in the system we are "grandfathered" in and can still adopt through LDSFS. Yeah!

We feel grateful that the Lord guided us down this path and that we listened. To be perfectly honest here, it was one of those times where we HAD to listen because the promptings were not so still and small this time. It was impossible to ignore. We are impressed by how much the Lord loves this birth mother and her child by preparing us to welcome them both into our family. We can't wait to meet them. Wow, the worth of every soul is great.

Future Family Pictures

Carson is always drawing pictures of his family and future "little sister." He draws them on paper, on paper plates, on the window sill, on the bathroom door, and on the kitchen cabinets. It melts my heart--at least the non-destructive and non sharpie marker versions. In one of the drawings Kaden is missing because he is "playing with a friend" and the other is full of "LOTS of baby sisters." The boys are so excited to find a baby sister. She is prayed for every morning and every night and at every meal. They also come home with random girl presents that they can give to their baby sister. Kaden dramatically exclaims at least once a day, "I just can't take it anymore. When are we going to get a baby sister. I don't think I can wait much longer." Man, I love those boys. They have so much faith and hope and anticipation for the new addition that will join our family someday.