The Wicked Queen (me) who is trying to be less "wicked" and more righteous, patient, and believing

Me as the Wicked Queen for Halloween this year.

     I went to a RS meeting last night on improving our scripture study and I determined I kind of suck at it.  Yes, I read the Ensign.  Yes, I read the sciptures almost daily, but I don’t really LOVE them or HUNGER and THIRST after them.  It’s more like a guilt driven relationship.  I know I’m supposed to read them, so I do.  Anyway, the instructors were inspiring and I decided to make a change.  I make time to exercise at least 5 to 6 days a week for at least an hour.  I make time to make my bed and get ready and pick up my house.  I make time to check my E-mail and browse my facebook account.  I make time for my friends, family, Jolley Smiles, and social events.  I make time for my church calling.  But I don’t valiantly strive to MAKE TIME for great scripture study. 

I started with a repentant, humble heart and knelt in prayer so I could understand the scriptures better and to have a desire to do better.  Also, I was teary eyed (okay I was totally crying) with my plea to understand why I had all those powerful promptings and felt such urgency to get approved for adoption.  (read the earlier post about why I think it was an urgent call to action)  Anyway, I made myself so vulnerable and the doubts and fears have been settling in a lot lately.  If it doesn’t happen, does that mean I imagined everything?  If it doesn’t happen soonish, then my boys will be heart broken.  Will they lose faith?  They pray to find and prepare themselves for their baby sister at least 4-5 times a day-- Morning prayer.  Evening Prayer.  Every Meal.    They love to play with my friend’s baby girls.  A sweet, soft, protective side comes out in all of them as they try to make them giggle.  It melts my heart.  Where is she?  When will she join our family?

I am a planner.  I like to have control over my life.  I want to prepare.  But I have NO CONTROL over this process.   I also fear that as my entire family is big enough to hit the slopes this year that I won’t want to start all over again.  What if I lose my desire to search for her?  See, even with that statement it shows I am losing faith.  So I had one of those open the scriptures randomly kind of moments after my prayer ended.  Remember I am sobbing at this point, but I am trying to dab away my tears to salvage my recently applied mascara and powder. 

I opened to this:  Revelations 20:4  “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall their be any more pain……”  A few verses later this hit me “But the fearful, and unbelieving (oh yeah, that’s me right now as far as the doubts about the adoption ever happening) shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone.”  Okay, so I am a believer again.  I am scared of fire—even lighting candles on a cake. 

I then played the open the scripture game again.  I flipped through several pages until I happened upon D&C 6:14-19.  It starts, “Blessed art though for what thou has done; for thou hast inquired of me, and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my Spirit.  If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou are at this time.  (All the verses are great—too much to type so break out those scriptures).  They all touched me because I had been “enlightened by the Spirit of truth” early in the process but my carnal side is whispering that I am crazy and I imagined it all. Vs. 19  “Be patient; be sober; be temperate; have patience, faith hope and charity.”  Was that just me or did PATIENCE really stick out in that verse.  Unfortunately, I didn’t get an answer about the day we would find our birth mom or our daughter, but I have more faith and feel renewed hope that I have done my part.  It has been hard because I felt SO guided and SO compelled during the few weeks that we made the adoption decision and then I didn’t feel guided or prompted to do anything else.  Should I make more attempts on getting our adoption message out there?  Should I do a profile on another website?  I don’t feel guided to do anything more than I have done so far at this time.   So I HOPE that are birth mom will be led to find us and I will try to be PATIENT until she does.   And perhaps my scripture study habits will be better by that time J

Thoughts on Open Adoption

A caseworker (my friend's sister-in-law) recommended I read The Spirit of Open Adoption by James L. Gritter.  I am only partially through the book, but it has been very helpful as we are prepare ourselves for whatever type of adoption comes our way.  I must admit, early on in the adoption process I was uniformed and a little nervous about open adoption.  However, the books and blogs I have read about this option have been enlightening.  I have also had conversations with birth moms and adoptive couples who have experienced both closed and open adoptions and have shared their experiences with us.  It is important for the adopted child to know how much love and sacrifice the birth parents had for him or her.  It is also healing for the birth parents to know that their child is loved, safe, and happy.   For these reasons and many more we are very open to sharing our lives with the birth parents if they would like an open relationship.  I will share more thoughts on the topic when I finish reading the book.

I also have a few random thoughts about how hard the adoption process is for someone like me who likes to plan and prepare for the future.  Each day we pray and wonder about the birth mom and child.  Who are they?  Where are they from?  Has she made a decision to place her child for adoption?  Is she scared?  Does she feel peace?  Are we the family she is looking for? Then there are the silly thoughts like:  Should I buy a season ski pass this winter or will I be snuggling with a new baby in the lodge instead?  Should I start my personal training this month so I can be strong and tone in case I have to take some time off because I will be too tired to get up early and work out with my friends when we get a new baby?  Will I have four months to prepare and paint a nursery and reupholster the glider or will I have only a week or two to prepare?  

All in all, I still feel a sense of calm knowing that God's hand is in this process and things will fall into place when and how they are supposed to.  Each day I prepare myself and our family a little more for what we all hope the future will bring. 

Adoption Urgency

We are so grateful for the intense promptings we received last February. The experiences we had urging us to get certified to adopt through LDS services (ASAP) were unsolicited, but undeniable. I have written down all the experiences, but don't want to blog about them--yet. We always thought we would adopt someday, but that someday was not something we were considering this year or actually any time soon. I checked into LDSFS and Foster Care as well as a few other agencies and felt strongly drawn to LDSFS. That is why the experiences were even sweeter because I for one rarely receive such strong inspiration when I am not actively pondering and praying about things. Once our application was completed and everything except our interviews were done, we felt completely peaceful about the process.

Well, six months later the urgency to begin our process is starting to make sense. As of August 1st, LDSFS changed the guidelines again for adoption. Since we have three sons already, we would not have qualified to adopt through LDSFS with the new rule. (the new rule does not allow applicants with more than two children to apply) However, since we are already approved and in the system we are "grandfathered" in and can still adopt through LDSFS. Yeah!

We feel grateful that the Lord guided us down this path and that we listened. To be perfectly honest here, it was one of those times where we HAD to listen because the promptings were not so still and small this time. It was impossible to ignore. We are impressed by how much the Lord loves this birth mother and her child by preparing us to welcome them both into our family. We can't wait to meet them. Wow, the worth of every soul is great.

Future Family Pictures

Carson is always drawing pictures of his family and future "little sister." He draws them on paper, on paper plates, on the window sill, on the bathroom door, and on the kitchen cabinets. It melts my heart--at least the non-destructive and non sharpie marker versions. In one of the drawings Kaden is missing because he is "playing with a friend" and the other is full of "LOTS of baby sisters." The boys are so excited to find a baby sister. She is prayed for every morning and every night and at every meal. They also come home with random girl presents that they can give to their baby sister. Kaden dramatically exclaims at least once a day, "I just can't take it anymore. When are we going to get a baby sister. I don't think I can wait much longer." Man, I love those boys. They have so much faith and hope and anticipation for the new addition that will join our family someday.

We are approved!

After 4 1/2 months since starting the adoption approval process, we are finally approved. Our home study is complete and we are official. It has been an amazing journey thus far, and we are nervous and excited to see what the future holds. The boys beg daily, "We can't wait any longer. When are we going to get a little sister?" It is strange going through a process where we have very little control over the time frame or outcome of finding a daughter. We can't wait to meet her.

Our Thoughts on Adopting

Dear expectant parents,

The prayers of our family are hopefully reaching you during this difficult time in your lives. We can’t imagine what you are going through. No one would have guessed that you would be reading these thoughts or that we would be writing them. Life never seems predictable or easy. Words of advice being offered from strangers must seem so empty. How can we possibly understand what you are going through or the difficult choice you have to make? To be honest, we can’t. The only thing we can share is why adoption is the right choice for us.

Why adoption? We felt extremely blessed and content with our three healthy and active boys. Nevertheless, that all changed when we started receiving the most amazing and undeniable promptings that we needed to adopt. We all know now that our family is not complete and we are anxious and excited about adopting. One thing we have realized so far is that we are not in control of this situation. It has taken great faith to follow His promptings even when they didn’t seem logical at the time.

We don't know why it was such an urgent call to action. Perhaps it is because the process can take such a long time. Maybe it's because you have been waiting for the "perfect" family to show up right now. Alright, to be perfectly honest, we’re not "perfect.” Our boys recognize each and every Star Wars character, but can’t quite name all the apostles. When we’re tired, we watch our favorite recorded TV shows instead of a second round of conference. Despite our weaknesses, we do strive each day to do what is right and make choices that will keep our family together forever. We try to prioritize our efforts so that we can invest our time and energy on the things that matter most.

Originally, we thought the adoption process was about marketing our family flawlessly. What do we say? What pictures should we use? We do want to make a good first impression, but the process is really about trusting the Lord and knowing that he loves you, your child, and our family. Only He knows what is best for all of us.

We hope that you will be guided and blessed in whatever decision you make. It may be overwhelming at times, but you will know when it is right. “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” ~ Albert Einstein.

We believe in the miracle of adoption. We know that the seemingly random events surrounding adoption are really not random at all, but simply the way our Heavenly Father works in the lives of so many people for the benefit of one child. The Lord is leading us (blindly we might add) down the road of adoption because we are missing a member of our family that is coming to us untraditionally. We have a loving family and are excited to share our love with another child.

With Love,
Tyler, Jeena, Kaden, Tanner, and Carson

Our Home

This is currently the guest room/office, but soon to be converted to a nursery.

The Family Room where we hang out, watch TV, and play. (And I hate to admit this, but my family begs to eat in here despite the fact that we have two tables only a few feet away--aargh).

The Dining Room where we eat most of our meals

(This of course has nothing to do with the fact that there is prime viewing of the TV)

The Kitchen

The Eat in Kitchen

Our Bedroom

Kaden's Room (and sometimes Carson's when he gets scared in the middle of the night)

Tanner and Carson's Room

The Playroom

This is our 2 1/2 acre lot we hope to build our house on in the next few years. It is very peaceful with lots of room to play and great views of the Colorado National Monument.

Our Testimony's

I have a testimony. I know the church is true. I love my family. I love to go to church. I want to go on a mission some day. I love to read the scriptures and learn about Jesus. I know Thomas S. [Train] is the prophet.

[Monson] We corrected him on that, but decided to keep it in the original format. We figured Thomas S. Monson would be flattered that he ranked right up there with Carson’s favorite toy.
Carson Richard Jolley (age 4)

I know the church is true. I know that Jesus Christ is our Savior. I believe Thomas S. Monson is our prophet. I am grateful for my mom and dad. I love them because they are always helpful to me.
Tanner Benjamin Jolley (age 7)

I believe in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I believe the prophet is Thomas S. Monson. I believe that Jesus is real and I believe he walked on the earth thousands of years ago. I am glad that I got baptized and I am happy to be a member of the true church. I know that I am going to go on a mission when
I am old enough.

Kaden Tyler Jolley (age 9)

I know that Jesus Christ is my Savior and that his sacrifice is a real way that we can repent and become more like Him. I know that the gospel is true and that the church is lead by a true prophet, Thomas S. Monson. I know that the Book of Mormon is true and that we can feel the love that God has for us by reading it and living by its teachings. I know that Joseph Smith was called and ordained to restore the true church in this dispensation. I love my wife and all that she does for our family. I am grateful for my three boys and the joy and happiness that they bring into my life.
Tyler Hall Jolley (age 35)

I am grateful for my testimony of the gospel. I know my Heavenly Father loves me and that he always hears and answers my prayers. Sometimes the answer is immediate, sometimes it takes a while, and sometimes it is answered in an unexpected way, but he always answers them. I know the true gospel was restored to the earth again through Joseph Smith in the latter days. I know that he translated the Book of Mormon and that it is another testament of Jesus Christ. I know that if I read and abide by the principles of the Book of Mormon that I am a better person. I am grateful for the atonement of Jesus Christ and know that he is my Savior. I can personally testify of the miracle of obeying the law of tithing throughout my life. The temple brings me great peace and solitude even though I cannot begin to grasp or understand its significance. I am grateful for the plan of salvation and that I can have an eternal family unit. I love my family and the joy that they bring into my life in the most simple and unexpected ways.

Jeena M. Jolley (age 34)